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October 2009 
Need a Hug
Posted on May 6th, 2008
by 
drechanteuse
drechanteuse
If only I could reach my mother, to share with her my beliefs about happiness and tranquility and love...
If only I could wake up in the morning and expect and receive a day of peace rather than conflict, a day when I could speak about my feelings without being attacked for having them.
I will learn tomorrow what I must do to deal with this breast cancer, at least from the medical point of view. What I realize right now is that healing will be hard for me on a spiritual level if every morning I have to face a bombardment of hearing how selfish I am and how I haven't done quite everything for those that depend on me.
I know in my heart who I am. I know that I am loving and giving and kind. I know that when faced with adversity, I try to learn the lessons from it. I tend to be followed by adversity, and I have never understood why.
I have looked up to my mother, admired her beauty and her kind nature, but now she seems so different. Her sweetness is not there. I have tried to take good care of here as she cannot do it all herself anymore. I have tried. I have not done it perfectly, maybe not even well.
My father died when I was 22 years old. I was in college, working 30 hours a week, and helping my mother to run the family business replacing my dad the best I could. I averaged about 4 hours of sleep per night, and at the end of that era, I became very ill. I didn't date. I didn't enjoy myself. I met my familial responsibilities.
Finally, I left to seek a life. Soon, she followed me. I was glad to have her. I expected her to be a friend like she had been at times in my earlier life. When she arrived in California, I found her to be vacant in many ways. i wasn't expecting that.
I have stayed home and isolated myself so that she would not tell me that I don't have time for her, but she still does. I have watched her scream and yell and go into hysterics, and blame the mortgage crisis and the recession and the weight of the world on me. I have not pursued my desires because I have committed to being with her and trying to provide her with what she needs.
Yet, tonight, she informed me that she doesn't love me, and that she will provide no comfort or friendship to me through my health problem because I am a miserably selfish person. She's glad I never gave her grandchildren because she wouldn't want anyone else like me.
I want to tell her so badly that the only real thing we have to give is love, but she can't hear me. She doesn't get that. It's not about money or things or such. It doesn't resonate with her. I feel so terribly hurt and alone. I love her with every ounce of my being, but I don't want to be torn down for it anymore. How can I take care of her if she just wants to make me feel worthless?
How I wish I had something good to say for a change. Forgive me for my momentary fit of feeling sorry for myself. I just don't know how to handle all of this and cancer, too.
If only I could wake up in the morning and expect and receive a day of peace rather than conflict, a day when I could speak about my feelings without being attacked for having them.
I will learn tomorrow what I must do to deal with this breast cancer, at least from the medical point of view. What I realize right now is that healing will be hard for me on a spiritual level if every morning I have to face a bombardment of hearing how selfish I am and how I haven't done quite everything for those that depend on me.
I know in my heart who I am. I know that I am loving and giving and kind. I know that when faced with adversity, I try to learn the lessons from it. I tend to be followed by adversity, and I have never understood why.
I have looked up to my mother, admired her beauty and her kind nature, but now she seems so different. Her sweetness is not there. I have tried to take good care of here as she cannot do it all herself anymore. I have tried. I have not done it perfectly, maybe not even well.
My father died when I was 22 years old. I was in college, working 30 hours a week, and helping my mother to run the family business replacing my dad the best I could. I averaged about 4 hours of sleep per night, and at the end of that era, I became very ill. I didn't date. I didn't enjoy myself. I met my familial responsibilities.
Finally, I left to seek a life. Soon, she followed me. I was glad to have her. I expected her to be a friend like she had been at times in my earlier life. When she arrived in California, I found her to be vacant in many ways. i wasn't expecting that.
I have stayed home and isolated myself so that she would not tell me that I don't have time for her, but she still does. I have watched her scream and yell and go into hysterics, and blame the mortgage crisis and the recession and the weight of the world on me. I have not pursued my desires because I have committed to being with her and trying to provide her with what she needs.
Yet, tonight, she informed me that she doesn't love me, and that she will provide no comfort or friendship to me through my health problem because I am a miserably selfish person. She's glad I never gave her grandchildren because she wouldn't want anyone else like me.
I want to tell her so badly that the only real thing we have to give is love, but she can't hear me. She doesn't get that. It's not about money or things or such. It doesn't resonate with her. I feel so terribly hurt and alone. I love her with every ounce of my being, but I don't want to be torn down for it anymore. How can I take care of her if she just wants to make me feel worthless?
How I wish I had something good to say for a change. Forgive me for my momentary fit of feeling sorry for myself. I just don't know how to handle all of this and cancer, too.
Access: Public
Andrea, you really are not alone. Here is an enormous HUG!!
First off, Andrea here is a bunch of GIGANTIC HUMUNGOUSLY HUGE BUTTERFLY HUGS!!! ~~^v^~~ ~~^V^~~ ~~^V^~~ ~~^V^~~
Second, there is something in this mix that you probably might find useful to know, and that is it is generally the sickest person in the household that rules the place. It is a control mechanism with which I am very familiar, as my own mother, even from several hundred miles away, seem to be able to rule the roost as long as she could be the sickest person around. So, what is happening with your Mom, is she is finding that you may be (hopefully only temporarily) usurping her “position of authority” by now having to deal with cancer. So I understand fully, that you want to show her love, but she's unable to accept it because she has put you in the position of being “the competition”.
You are not alone, Andrea. Now is the time for you to get involved with a group of breast cancer survivors (these are generally easily found through your local Cancer Association). While they're NOT your mother, they will offer you kindness and support, and teach you how to get through this, as well, in the process. Don't try to do this alone - and don't feel you are obligated any longer to be there ALL the time for your mother - obviously, she's not there for you! And you know how to find me (via web-sites) if you need to talk to someone. I AM a cancer survivor (for 34 years now), and the biggest part of surviving and living a QUALITY life is to DECIDE TO do that! You cannot change others, nor should you allow them to manipulate you negatively - you are in charge of you. Period.
Become friends with what has happened to you. Look upon this as perhaps the biggest wake-up call you'll get in life. If something isn't working for you in your life (like your current situation with you mother), change it. Make the decision (the word actually derives from the Latin root “to cut off”) of how that should be, and do it. You'd be surprised at how well the outcome will work for YOU. And lastly, don't apologize to anyone for speaking/writing your heart - your friends will thank you for giving them the opportunity to help you - after all, isn't that what friends are there for, at least some of the time?
More big hugs…….. ~~^v^~~
Gem
Thanks, Gemstar. That's wonderful advice. I really haven't even had time to feel scared about the cancer, because there's been so muh other stuff going on. But I know I must let my true feelings surface and work with those.
I am so glad to hear that you have been surviving for 34 years cancer free. My mom, too, is a breast cancer survivor. I know I need to do my inner work to be the same.
Me being in charge of me is pretty profound, because it also means that she is in charge of herself, and should not be trying to manipulate what she cannot change (me.)
Thanks again. I will staart looking for that support group.
Loved the butterfly hugs,
Andrea
Big Lynx Cat Hugs for you Andrea… prrrring,, grrring… hugs!!
I second everything Gemstar has said, I have a close girlfriend here going through very similar Mother stuff (without the cancer) and Gem is quite right about that one… and about sharing with your friends when you need Hugs…
MORE HUGS :-))))))))))
Thanks for the big kitty hugs, Lynx. My mom is bipolar, and I am the punching bag most of the time when her world goes crashing in. It ain't easy, and I do need the hugs from my friends.
(((((((((((((((((Hugs back atcha ))))))))))))))
Oh, ouch. I just want to hop on a plane and get myself to California to be with you and take care of you. My Mom has a way of saying mean things like that and I just know how much it can hurt. For the most part I've learned to let it go and to feel empathy for her in her unhappiness but that is probably easier to do with her living 1800 miles away. Gemstar offered great advice. Love you, Andrea. More hugs for you. ((((((((((((((((Andrea))))))))))))))))
Thanks Ayla,
I wish you could hop a plane to California, too. We are getting along better after the big blow up, and though I realize in an intellectual way that she is just doing it because of this and that, my emotions can't think. I wind up getting hurt each time she comes after me with one of her tirades, all the while blaming me for doing it to her.
I don't like dealing with all that negative behavior - the yelling, the arguing, the insults. It seems like such a waste of energy to me, but then I have to realize that the people that truly hurt my mom are all gone now, and she can't yell at them for doing it. I wish she liked to write. She might have some great stories to tell.
Yes, 1800 miles helps a lot. Even 356 used to help (LA to PHX) but…I love having her with me most of the time.
Thanks for the hugs and the love. Bigs hugs to you, too. (((((((((((((((((Ayla))))))))))))))))))
Hey, Andrea….here's a huge hug for you!
First, I want to say that I hope your appointment went OK….Second, I don't see you as feeling sorry for yourself. Sounds like your Mom has changed and isn't there for you the way you need her to be…and that's a shame. I think you have every right to vent, and I think it's healthy to do so. That's what we, at Gaia, are here for….to listen and to offer support.
I see you as very strong for writing about this and reaching out. I certainly don't see you as selfish in any way.You seem very loving, giving and kind….and I'm thrilled to have met you here!
Anyway, I hope that things improve….and that you connect with some great people at the support group. Regardless of what happens there, please feel free to reach out to me, us, etc. any time!
Lisa
X0X
DEar Andrea…
You have been in my thoughts..I haven't seen you around lately, and I have thought of you..This story hurts..It is not your fault..Mothers are…..mothers..A breed of their own..I am a mother, but I would never project on my children like this..
I have had to deal with my own mother for years, and now, after tons of healing and setting boundaries straight, it is improving..I tried running away, but that wasn't an option..Your mother is obviously feeling like a victim…That is always a hard situation to deal with, when people are convinced that the world is againts them, and they blame others, all we can do is to step back, and try to not take it personally..Open up to the love that is around you, and try not to expect anything from your mother, it will only dissapoint you..
And dissapointment sucks..
I know it is a hard situation, sending you strength..
Lots of love to you..
Thanks Sol, for your comments and for just stopping by and thinking of me. My mom and I are working on it - little by little - and she has pledged to try not to lash out anymore. I know it will eventually happen again, but hopefully not as extremely or that soon.
Yes, mothers are definitely there own breed, and it is probably the most complicated job in existence.
Love,
Andrea
Nice pic, andrea…
Yes, working on family issues are the most difficult healing task there is….The energies are intertwined to an extreme degree, so energy just jumps all over the place and buttons are pushed and there is no filter, nor stop button..hehe..Yeye, we learn and we learn, and it is a process that eventually leads to respect and love, and it gives us only good, allthough the price is a lot of time invested..
I am on the other side with my mother now, she is slowly growing up (hehe) and we have mutual respect for eachother , and I think that next cycle, next life, we can move up one level, both of us..Working through the karma is worth it..
Good luck to you both, may the angels of patience and forgiveness be present all the time..