Help
Sign In
QaR
October 2009 
Losing the Love
Posted on Apr 2nd, 2008
by 
drechanteuse
drechanteuse
A little over a year ago, my husband's father died. Though his family is like a portrait of dysfunction, I understood that his father loved him more than any other member of his family. It would be a hard loss. However, the night before his dad died, he became disoriented, and cracked my husband over the head with a pool stick. The family got into an uproar, and my husband left his parent's house in spite of the fact that his dad was very ill.
The next day, when his brother discovered his father's body in the backyard, his mother told the story as if somehow it was my husband who killed him. If it wasn't hard enough to lose his father, why did the blame get placed on him? The man was dying. Everyone knew it.
Being like one class short of having earned my psychology degree before having run away to the theatre for salvation and the chance to follow the dream, I was well aware of the stages of grieving. I wish I could say that my husband was going through them, but he wasn't. He became stuck.
I have lost the man I loved somewhere along the way. I can't help him because he can't help himself. He won't help himself. He has become mentally and emotionally abusive. I kept trying to help him, but then an objective outsider reminded me, "You are enabling him. You are not helping him."
Can I really walk away? It is so against my nature not to be the rescuer. Can I do this? Should I do this? Is it best for him in the long run? Is it best for me? What do you do when the man you love is still there in flesh, but the inside has become vacant?
It's a hard decision. I need to be strong.
The next day, when his brother discovered his father's body in the backyard, his mother told the story as if somehow it was my husband who killed him. If it wasn't hard enough to lose his father, why did the blame get placed on him? The man was dying. Everyone knew it.
Being like one class short of having earned my psychology degree before having run away to the theatre for salvation and the chance to follow the dream, I was well aware of the stages of grieving. I wish I could say that my husband was going through them, but he wasn't. He became stuck.
I have lost the man I loved somewhere along the way. I can't help him because he can't help himself. He won't help himself. He has become mentally and emotionally abusive. I kept trying to help him, but then an objective outsider reminded me, "You are enabling him. You are not helping him."
Can I really walk away? It is so against my nature not to be the rescuer. Can I do this? Should I do this? Is it best for him in the long run? Is it best for me? What do you do when the man you love is still there in flesh, but the inside has become vacant?
It's a hard decision. I need to be strong.
Access: Public
Sweet Songstress… You are not responsible for his life, even if it has handed him a bag of crap to handle. It is NOT your crap! You can point him in the direction of getting help - a good strong neutral ear for him to air out his beefs with life to start, and then someone to help him through forgiveness issues. (Suggesting a good hypnotherapist with a psychology background). He needs to forgive himself, and then he needs to forgive his mother and his father. He is attempting to rid himself of the pain of not forgiving by passing it on to you, and you do not need to, and should not, accept it. I'm sorry, but you may need to at least temporarily leave, if for no other reason than to preserve your own sanity. Do NOT guilt yourself if that is your decision. Do NOTprocrastinate on this, love. Give him a choice: he either gets help and you stay, or he can be alone to wallow in his self-pity (because in the end, that's what this really is).
Holding you in great love and light… and big butterfly hugs
Gem ~~^v^~~
Thanks, Gem. Very insightful comments always help.
Nicole, why are you upset and hurt by a friend trying to help you? That does not make sense to me.
Oh drecanteuse - what a sad, sad life event. Of course you are wanting to nurture and help your husband. Of course you are. I cannot begin to imagine. I can't give you any advice because I don't know enough of the whole situation but I do give you my support and my love. Also an ear to talk to privately should the need arise or a shoulder to cry on. Please know that I am available in any capacity that I can possibly help.
Sending BIG BIG Love to You, Ayla
I'm all with Ayla, drechanteuse, there is not much more I can offer then being here, hearing you, feeling you. that's a big one.
family history and patterns can be so horrible. very hard to go against that and find a way through when someone is still very involved and can't find the strength in themselves… not much to be done from the outside, really, is there?
take good care of yourself first, dearest, and just like Ayla, I'm there should you need me.
sending love.
Thanks Ayla, Gabriele. It's so hard to talk about it, but holding it in is probably not healthy. Mostly, it is a decision that I have to make for the well being of everyone involved. it is not new, fresh pain, but a decision that needs to be made and stuck to… the sticking to part is the challenge.
Love you both,
A-
Dechanteuse, I am so sorry you find yourself in this position , hold on to the fact that now
you have realised something has to change one way or another things will begin to improve. The picture you posted with this is very dramatic and graphic and leaves me wondering who you feel this represents, both of you, or one or other of you? Mental and emotional abuse can leave one feeling drained and less able to cope and make decisions, how are you feeling? It may be a good idea to get yourself some help perhaps a counsellor skilled in marriage guidance who will help you reach the right decision for you. I believe one partner can get help, I don't think it has to be as a couple. I also feel for your partner being stuck in his grief after a dysfunctional start, he needs help too. What help has he refused, he may be more inclined to some help than others, doctor? grief counselor? Is he using a crutch like alcohol that in itself can cause depression and atypical behaviour? AA? Could you take a holiday to give you some recovery time and space to think, that may feel less threatening to your partner than temporary or permanent separation. I hope something I have offered is helpful too you, be gentle with yourself, if you are feeling frail and give yourself space to gather strength and sort out your feelings.
Zephyr,
Thank you for all of your wonderful advice and support. Actually, the verbal and mental abuse got so bad that I asked him to leave a while ago. However, we were trying to work toward reconciliation. Yes, he is using alcohol, and no, though he speaks of wanting help, his actions show otherwise. He is not willing to do anything but blame others and say that nobody is helping him. I can't drag him. I can't force him. My only option seems to be to make the separation more complete until he finds his own rock bottom, and decides that he might want a little help. I've spent a lot of time taking care of him and worrying about him and I feel myself just slipping down …getting lost. I am seeking help. I can only hope that he will. My worry is that I will give into him, and continue to enable him. We've done everything else we can, now it's time for the tough love, and boy, is it tough.
Andrea
take good care of you!
Thank you, ohmsmom. I certainly will try.
A-